Irregardless, and More Importantly: Do You Know What Is Wrong Here?

So today I am listening to a talk radio show.  They are discussing whether college is important or not.  Many are arguing that it is not because you can’t get a job with a bachelor’s degree anyway.  Perhaps true.  I will keep my opinions about college and who should go and who should not, to myself.  But to the guy who called in to say college was unnecessary because he dropped out and still started up his own marketing firm irregardless of not having a degree, I would like to say to you that perhaps had you not dropped out, you might know that irregardless is not a word.

People who do not know the basics of our English language are not getting on my ark.

We spend so much more money on education now than we did when I was growing up.  I have to wonder where it all goes.  Ignoring the fact that I get a list of twenty-some-odd things I need to buy for my first grader to take to school with him that used to be provided to the students, things like crayons, glue, scissors, pencils, etc. Forgetting the fact that many classes such as art, gym and music that were part of the curriculum 30 years ago are no longer available to all the students.  Ignoring the fact that uniforms are no longer provided to our athletes and busing is only available to an elite few, what I have noticed most is that the quality of education has gone right down the toilet.

Why can’t the teenager at CVS make change?  Was it third grade where we learned how to do that?  We had worksheets and even play money and we’d have to come up with all the ways to make 37 cents.  You remember that right? 

Or what the heck is creative spelling?  No I’m not asking, I’ve had it explained to me by my son’s teacher when I explained to her that no I don’t want “skool” to be an acceptable spelling, at least not from my son.  I want him to be held to standards. I want him to know right from wrong and I don’t want him to think that almost right is good enough.  It isn’t.  Have you ever tried to unlearn something you were told was right?  I have and it is darn near impossible.  As a graduate of a prestigious MFA program, I still have to double-check my comma usage every time because once upon a time someone explained commas to a grade school class by telling us you put one where you take a breath.  Really?  I wish I could go back to that teacher and tell her if you don’t know how to do something, look it up, almost isn’t good enough!

            But for some reason, the one that gets me most is incorrect grammar usage.  I know the English language is difficult and complicated.  I know it is one of the more difficult languages to learn, but for now anyway, most of us here in America are learning it as a native language, by example and through immersion and it should not be deteriorating at such a rapid rate.  And it is doing so because so few people have been taught to speak and write correctly and even fewer have been held to that standard in school or in life.  Language is generally learned through imitation.  If children hear adults speaking correctly, they will learn to speak correctly.  But conversely, if children hear adults talking wrong they’re gonna talk wrong too.  (Hopefully you caught the intentional errors and sarcasm there).

There was a day when you could listen to the news and hear a well-educated knowledgeable voice telling you about the day’s events.  Walter Cronkite, Edward R. Murrow, Ted Koppel would never have said more importantly.  Why?  Because something cannot be more importantly.  It can be more important than something else, but it cannot be more importantly.  Can you hear how ignorant that sounds that something is more importantly than another thing?  Yet everyone says more importantly today, including the so-called experts on television.  I went to a school where news broadcasting was a major, where people had to get a degree in how to speak on television.  So I have to wonder, why wasn’t being in command of the English language a prerequisite for that degree?

As a former college professor, I can tell you that it is not a prerequisite for college acceptance, at least not at the state school where I taught.  My very first semester teaching, I went to the head of my department and expressed that 90% of my class was in danger of failing because they could not write a complete sentence.  I am not exaggerating here.  I was teaching freshman composition and I found myself having to spend more time on basic English grammar like, and I quote, “a noun verbing” in order to teach them how to write before I could teach them how to write

So please, the next time you are about say more importantly, or irregardless, or gonna instead of going to, think twice.  The schools are not going to teach our children to sound intelligent; they are going to let their ignorance slide.  If you want your children, your broadcasters, and yes, even your politicians to sound intelligent, you have to lead by example because if public education isn’t going to provide pencils or proper spelling requirements, they certainly aren’t going to worry about modifiers and participles.

Are you &**#*(@ing me?

Once again, I have to subject ignorant employers to reality and to a long walk down a short plank on the ark.  I mean really people, get a clue!

So I have to post again about my wonderful job search, which is now going on 18 months...that is right 1 1/2 years since I was laid off.  If you've checked in before, you know I have been looking, and looking and looking, as has my husband also going on 18 months.  I have looked in my old industry, explored new ones and even been offered a job...yes, but don't get too excited.  Because after 6 years of college and working hard on my thesis to get a terminal degree (sounds dangerous doesn't it?), which I obtained over 15 years ago and thus I have plenty of experience, the job I was offered is part time and pays minimum wage.  A fact they concealed pretty well throughout the interview process.  But it has potential for full time, which still pays crap, but gives myself, my husband and our three little chickens the health insurance I need.  Only problem is, I need to work up to that and it could take 9 months to a year.  In the meantime, they want me to guarantee that I won't take a full time job and leave after they spend so much time training me; paid training they said to entice me.  When interviewed, and before being told how much this job actually paid, I agreed.  But really, are you %^#%#*ing me?!  You want me to commit to working maybe, MAYBE 8 hours a week at $8.00 and expect me to cease looking for something that would say actually cover the cost of the gas it takes to get me there.  I mean really, my babysitter costs more than I make so how can I commit to something so ludicrous.  I took the job. I need something flexible and if my husband gets hired anytime the near future, the job is rewarding if you look at it like slightly subsidized charity work.  But seriously people....

Business Discourtesy

I didn't expect for both my husband and myself to remain unemployed for over a year, but that is what has happened.  You might find this hard to believe given the nature of this blog, but I am not someone who complains without acting. My general feeling about life is that if it is important enough to bitch about, it is important enough to do something about and I have very little tolerance for people who repetitively complain about the same person, thing, or circumstance without doing anything about it.  So although both the breadwinners in our family have been laid off for over a year, we have not sat back idly and moped.  We have sent out resumes, made cold calls, networked.  We have retrained, recertified and generally expanded our employment horizons.  We have started marketing ourselves for side jobs just to make something if not enough.  We have even begun researching opening our own business totally unrelated to our previous careers.  We have not been apathetic to our own cause.

            With all this effort you can see why I did not expect for us both to remain unemployed for this long.  The economy doesn’t surprise me.  It is the response of the employers that does.  That is why many of the employers I have encountered will not be allowed on the ark-so there!

            But seriously, to the company that held a four-hour interview and then ended with “Call on Friday we should have an answer by then.”  I hope you know more about water survival than you do about business courtesy.  You do not tell someone to call you and then avoid his call…five times.  At the very least, when your secretary answers the second or third time in a week and a half, you could at least instruct her to notify unwanted candidates that the position has been filled instead of repeatedly putting us through to your voicemail where we will remain ignored indefinitely.

            And to the employer that had a seven hour interview equipped with meeting the president of the company, perhaps we are unemployed at the moment, but that doesn’t mean our time is invaluable and we are looking for ways to waste it.  Do not end a marathon interview like that with the words “ Well, we are not even sure there is going to be a position, but if there is we will certainly consider you for it.”  If you don’t know whether you have an opening, don’t hold interviews.  Surely you, the president of a Forbes 500 company, must have something more important to do than play-act with me all afternoon.

            To the many, many companies that post jobs but never respond to the collected resumes.  I get you are busy, good for you and good for the person you end up hiring to handle all that business. But couldn’t you at least acknowledge receipt?  Is it too much for the person answering the phone to say, “ Yes, Mr. Jones, we did receive your c.v. but the position is now filled?” Is it really?  There was a time when that would have been the very least you could do.  Remember the 90’s when companies would send out postcards to let you know they now had your resume on file?

            But the biggest surprise to me was this.  I didn't expect for employers to disregard us because we were over-qualified. Not because our salary requirements were too high (you lower those as time goes on until you’ll accept almost anything commiserate with your industry), not because we were jockeying for positions that were not available, but because they want to hire someone with less experience because they are afraid an experienced person will leave once the economy rebounds.  Let me tell you something, I’ll work for a much lower salary for a company that gives me a chance in this horrible economy. Then when the economy rebounds, all I expect is for you to pay me what I am worth to the company.  I am confident that once you have the money, you’ll find me worth every penny.  And I have some sense of loyalty.  I’ll be fair with you because you were willing to give me a chance, as long as you are fair with me.

            The puzzling thing is that their poor judgment shows, but apparently not enough to affect their choices. I am hearing more and more clients unhappy with the level of incompetence at these companies.  I am hearing many people complain about the ignorance of the staff they encounter.  And customer service?  I’ve covered that topic before, but suffice it to say that these poor hiring choices show most obviously with the people interacting with the public.  So to all you employers who claim we are “overqualified,” you hire under qualified idiots all the time, God forbid you err on the overqualified side of the spectrum.

            My message to all the companies that are continuing to stifle the economy by hiring only the very young and inexperienced, who by the way, are not going to help you grow your market share they way we could, I suggest you add flood insurance to your executive benefits package.

Change

So while we are selecting out incompetent store workers, lets talk about the cashiers.  If you hand me my change on top of my dollar bills, I will make you walk the plank.

            In fact, I think I will create an entrance exam for admittance to the ark, and it won’t be like the college exams, which have become increasingly easier in order to jack up the schools’ attendance and thus profitability, it will be a real exam created with the intention of weeding out everyone but the most deserving.  Remember, this is my ark so I get to decide who is most deserving.  There will be no politically correct couching here; you either pass or fail. And on the basic customer service skills portion, if you put my change on top of the paper bills, you fail.

            This, like grocery bag packing, is not a difficult one.  Common sense should prevail here.  If you place a pile of coins on top of a pile of bills in a person’s hand, it is

likely to spill when the hand is moved, unless you are a master at stacking coins and the recipient has an exceptionally steady hand, and even then, why?  If you are counting back your change the way you are supposed to (I know, it is like grocery bag packing all over again, no one knows how to do this any more) you have to count out the coins first anyway. (To those of you for whom this is news, check out this website).  So place the coins in the palm of my upturned hand and then count back the dollars and place those on TOP of the coins.  It is much easier this way.  I can put the bills back in my wallet before having to go for the change purse, and nothing drops on the ground and rolls under the counter or half way across the floor so I either have to look like a fool chasing after it, or walk away from my money.

            And while we are at it, can you please learn how to make change without relying on the cash register?  Again not difficult, anyone old enough to work should have the basic skill of subtraction.  That is all change is you know, subtracting one number from another.  If you can count to one hundred and subtract, you ought to be able to make change without a cash register.  If you can’t do both of the above things, you ought not to be hired, at least not as a cashier.

            So lets go over this for the intellectually challenged teenager working at my local drug store. If my total comes to $13.47 and I give you a $20, all you need to do to get started is subtract 47 from 100 to figure out the coin part of the change. 100-47 is 53 so you owe me 53 cents to start.  Count that out from your drawer and place it in my hand.  If you are really good, you can even count it back to me handing me the three pennies and saying “forty-eight, forty-nine, fifty” and then handing me the two quarters and saying “and fifty cents makes fourteen”.  If you are already confused, please don’t take a job working with money. 

            Now you need to figure out the bills.  This is even easier because you are only subtracting 14 from 20; my first grader can do that.  So when you hand back the $1 you say “fifteen” because now our total is up to $15, then you hand me a $5 and say “twenty.”  This completed, you have successfully made change for the $20 I gave you and distributed it back in the correct manner.

            It is simple subtraction, and it is subtraction that is likely to never go above 100.

            Finally the one that really gets them at the store is when I hand them a payment that allows me to get back fewer coins.  Like for instance, the time that I handed the teenager $20.02 when my total came to $15.77.  She could not for the life of her figure out why I handed her the two pennies.  First she told me I gave her too much money and tried to hand back the pennies.  I explained that I did that on purpose.  She looked at me like a deer caught in headlights and said “but it’s too much.”  I explained to her how the pennies allowed the change to be a quarter.  Still nothing. Eventually I had to walk her step by step through the exact change to give me and she hesitantly went along with my instructions.  It would have been amusing if it hadn’t been so pathetic.  I mean really, when did Americans get so dumb and why on earth are employers hiring these ninnies?  There is a recession out here you know.  There are plenty of intelligent people who can make change, smile, and exhibit genuine customer service all at the same time.  There is no need for you to hire the idiot that can’t do her job even with the aid of all her fingers and toes.

            So the standards will be higher on the ark. If you couldn’t have graduated high school in the fifties, you aren’t allowed passage (unless, of course, you are a child).  My flood is designed to get rid of all the rude, selfish, and entitled people, if you can’t bother to learn subtraction you aren’t serious about survival of the fittest and we will be just fine without you.

Mangled Bread

I haven’t put a lot of thought into the social workings of the ark, but I suspect that if we are all going to be on board for a long time we may need some sort of ship’s store and if so, we are going to need someone to work the cash register and package the goods.  Can you see where I am going with this one?  People who cannot handle these simple tasks with some semblance of competence will not be allowed access to the ark.  In fact, maybe we’ll all take turns at the various necessary jobs on the ark and those who are incompetent will be fired and then dispelled.

            This post comes from many years of being thoroughly frustrated by the incompetence at the grocery store.  As a young mother, my grandmother worked at a grocery store (and a bank, and took in other people’s laundry to help pay her bills; people did that back then, did what it took to pay their own way).  Back then people took pride in their jobs.  I remember my mother telling me “anything worth doing is worth doing right.”  My grandmother knew how to pack groceries: cans on the bottom, bread on the top.  She would never have handed a customer a bag that had a turkey crushing the produce, or eggs precariously balanced and waiting to fall off the top.  It isn’t a difficult concept.  There is no need for an extensive education, just common sense.  If it is crushable like hot dog rolls don’t put it under something heavy like a 24oz can of crushed tomatoes. And believe it or not, you can fit more than three or four things into one bag if you have even a basic understanding of space (the round peg cannot fit into the square hole).  For those of you who don’t believe me, here’s how.

            If it were a lot to ask or even took a lot of time to do, it might not bother me so much that no one does this anymore, but if you know what you are doing (and I am sure a five minute training session from the host store could teach anyone) it can be done right in as much time as it takes to do incorrectly.  It is simply laziness on the part of the packer, and apathy on the part of the store.  I just don’t think it is that much to ask that my loaf of bread resemble a rectangle when I get it home instead of the mashed modern art shape I sometimes unpack from the bottom of my canned goods bag.

            My solution is often to beat the clerk to the punch and pack it myself.  I suppose my mom deserves a shout out for that one since it is she who taught me, when I was a young girl shopping with her, how to pack a grocery bag.  Who knew that would turn out to be such a rare skill?

Not Feeling So Good This Friday

Ugh!  This post was entitled I Need Work and it started with an apology for my absence followed by an explanation about how I have been out of town for ten days.  It told you that I did bring my laptop in order to keep my posts current.  But, that despite the best of intentions, I found myself with no internet service at my location. Oops.

The main body of the rant was all about a self-important twenty-something who was directing traffic and deliberately caused gridlock just to flex his ego. It addressed the lack of customer service and the bad attitude more prevalent today in an economy with the highest unemployment rates we’ve seen in decades, which seems counterintuitive.  If there are more people looking for jobs, you’d think those with jobs would work harder to keep them, but that is just me.  Anyway, it went on to chastise the ferry company for employing this jerk and other jerks like him because they are known for their workers with bad attitudes.  Then at the end, when we finally escaped the parking lot this egomaniacal twenty-something controlled, it juxtaposed the narrative of this very annoying abuse of power with the image of the middle-aged man in jeans and a t-shirt who was positioned just outside the parking lot holding a sign that read; I need work.  It suggested that perhaps the ferry company could look into hiring someone like the sign holding gentleman over the entitled college kid and everyone would fare better. 

            But after writing that post filled with what I hope were entertaining witticisms and laugh out loud sarcastic moments, I decided to make a dent in my next post, a rough draft that I saved over my finely crafted final version of I Need Work.

            Yes you read that right, I saved it OVER my finished post, which because I have exhausted my frustration with that particular situation is now nothing more than this summary.  So after a week away and two hours spent crafting my return, I apologize, but I just can’t write it again. 

            I will say to the twenty-something that stopped the mini van full of vacationers and blocked him and the rest of us in with a car that could not board the ferry for another five full minutes (I timed it), I hope your inflated ego helps you float.  To the ferry company that supports this jerk and others like him, I suppose you have your own boat, which is a good thing because it means the likes of you all won’t poison our ark.  But today’s flood victim is the idiot that caused me to lose a perfectly hilarious post…wait that would be me!  Can I give myself a pass?  Still I’m not sure I deserve one.  What a bonehead!